When we face challenges, we often resort to what has “worked” before. The question we need to ask as we work toward some end is always, “How did this work for me in the past?” The answer has to be brutally honest. Readers may ask, “Why?” Is this even necessary? It is what it is, right? Actually, the fundamental reason we make the same mistakes now as we did in the past is that we didn’t reflect on this question.
How then can we move away from this ineffective coping mechanism to one that is reliable and transformational?
We begin by addressing the difference between rumination and reflection. Ruminating is when we live and make decisions rooted in “What if?”. This is the departure point for anything we feel, think, and do.
To live in “what if” leads to anxiety and a deepening sense of impending “problems” with little to no evidence that it is actually true or going to pan out in the way we negatively “envision” the future.
Reflection, all the while, is the diametrically opposite. When we reflect, we work with truth and with the evidence before us. We ask ourselves the questions that hold us accountable and make us move in a direction where three important things converge:
(1) We are willing to accept false beliefs and bias that have impeded our best outcomes and choices.
(2) We are willing to invite ourselves not to be held back or captive to the culture, the expectations, or the demands that we know and feel in our innermost being that are not healthy or conducive to our personal edification.
(3) We can look at where we are and truthfully address where we need to go, and what we need to do to get there.
Rumination is going around in circles, convincing ourselves that we are actually doing something, but really going nowhere. It is emotionally and mentally exhausting because we know somewhere within us that the steps and processes we are taking just aren’t working. We may feel lost, frustrated and negative. We may feel stuck and as if we’re going nowhere.
Reflection is challenging. It can be painful. It can also be very refreshing and liberating. For the first time in a long time, it’s an opportunity to see ourselves, discover that we are not living to our fullest, and realize there is much more we can do and be for ourselves.
When we reflect, we become better individuals, better partners, better parents, better members of our community. We learn to strive to improve ourselves and grow in empathy. We learn self-compassion and see that it is the greatest gift to ourselves – to invest in our transformation. We become facilitators, and we see how investing in ourselves is the best antidote against negativity, unfulfilling relationships, abuse, and self-neglect.
Circular thinking is as ineffective as any self-fulfilling prophecy. Reflection allows us to find release from poor methods of addressing those things that may cause us the greatest amount of pain and anxiety. You deserve so much more – start today.
